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"My heart is a Graveyard"

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July 18, 2004 • 6:25 am

Well, I'm back.

Back as in home.

Home as in Number 12, Grimmauld Place. Former headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix, home of the infamous Black family from which I was spawned. That's right. Spawned.

It's strange, yet exciting, to be back here. My old bedroom, in my old house. That's the strange part, not the exciting. The exciting is being back with Harry, sharing things with him, stories about Lily and James, and life before everything came crumbling down.

Strange, and exciting...but I admit, it's also sad. Not necessarily sad, as much as heartbreaking. Harry is so much older now, and I see so much of James in him...I find myself thinking more about how things might have been, even though I know I shouldn't let myself linger back on it. It's the good things I should recall, not the mistakes and the pitfalls.

I can't change it, for him or for me, and I have to let that go. I think I will, once I get properly settled in.

Strange, and exciting, and sad...and hard. Very, very, hard.

Being away from Hannah, even though we've only been together for a short time, is proving difficult. I've been sending her sporatic little letters, whenever I find time between hanging out with the Godson and having myself a few drinks.

That girl...I just don't know what to think anymore.

A man in his 30's should not be having puppy-love feelings for a girl half his age.

But this man is.

We had that great night in Edinburgh together...and it just cemeted our relationship.

Maybe after everything gets worked out, I can talk to her about her and the kids moving in here...a rushed thought, I know, but it's a possibility. I'll hang on to the idea.

I'm hoping to visit her soon, once I feel that things are going smoothly here, and the newness of it all wears off.

Strange, and exciting, and sad, and hard...but most of all it's new.

New, though, is a good thing. It means you get to start over.

I solemnly swear that this time, I'll get it right.

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June 29, 2004 • 12:29 am

It seems like since I've been back, I tend to notice things that didn't matter so much to me before. Like making decisions, for instance. I never really used to consider the weight of the decisions I made, or how they would effect my life. But now...I seem to linger on things more, to consider them and puzzle them out.

The decision to move into Grimmauld Place with Harry was easy. Of course I want to live with him, it's something we've both wanted for so long. But something's kept me from jumping in too fast, from rushing into it. I needed to settle, he needed to adjust, and for the first time in...well...in my life, I made a true adult decision on my own with no one elses input.

Then there's my decision to work on this...relationship...with Hannah. A girl half my age, the age of my own Godson even, that I find myself far too attached to. Maybe it's the way she actually cares about me, or the way she seems to care about what I think, and how I feel. I'm not sure, but I looked at it from all sides, I thought of all the many things that could wrong, and that are bad about the entire situation, but I decided to try it. It just feels right, and again, I made a decision like an adult, because I am an adult.

But that doesn't mean I've lost my ability to act immaturely and irrationally. That will be a habit I may never break. When I'm just in the moment, and there's something I feel passionately about, I just seem to act without consequence. For example, the Remus situation. As much as I want to forgive him, I can't seem to force myself over the roadblock I've built around our friendship. That's something I need to work on, but I can't even make myself think about him without feeling ill. There are too many emotions tied into it, and I can't stand to think about that. With Hannah and Harry, things are easier. There's love, appreciation, and concern. Also that slight hint of fatherly-instinct and need.

With Remus, there's just so much more, so many years of build-up, and so many things between us. There's the friendship, something we've always had. There's the love that once was, the love that's still there, albeit not as strong. There's the loss, the pain, the anger, the resentment, the feelings of betrayl, at least on my part. Just too much, that I don't want to see, or hear about, or even linger on.

As much as it pains me to say it, right now, and for awhile, it's better if we're apart. No association. I need time to heal myself, before I can even think about healing our friendship.

Somethings just take time I suppose.

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June 14, 2004 • 3:54 am

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow--
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone ?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

-Dream Within A Dream by Edgar Allan Poe


Just when you think things can not possibly get any more weird...they do. Naturally.

I had been waiting to speak to Harry, picking a moment that would be right for the pair of us. He, of course, ran into me in Diagon Alley, and after nearly hexing each other and a fair amount of yelling, we reconciled our differences and have vowed to start over.

Whatever starting over means, exactly. I’m just glad that he’s doing ok (as well as can be expected at any rate) and that he’s moving on in his life. Well, sort of. I suppose. I don't really know.

I can tell though, that he's tired. In a way that I never hoped I'd have to see from him. Mentally, physically...he's worn out, and he needs rest. I only hope he can find peace of mind to be able to relax. Right now, I’m here for him if he needs me, and he knows that. It’s all I can do.

Meanwhile, things in my personal life just got a whole lot more interesting.

When I first started speaking to Hannah, it was mostly to make myself feel better, about losing Remus. But the more I get to know her, the more I find interest in her beyond that original idea.

We went out a few nights ago, on a ‘real’ date. Dinner, a walk, and ended up in a muggle play yard.

I can’t recall the last time I had such a good time. I felt like I was little boy again, at the playground down near Grimmauld Place. Of course, that was on the rare off chance that mother actually let us go. She was always terrified we’d catch something from the muggle children.

We went down the slide, and on the merry-go-round, and then the swings. Where we kissed. For the first time. And I must say, it was one of the best kisses of my life. On one hand, Hannah is so much younger, and it’s so incredibly wrong. But on the other hand, she’s amazing, and so much more like me then I’d ever like to admit.

It was just one of those kisses, that was perfect for the moment, and that could have never worked anywhere else, with anyone else.

I think maybe, it’s gone far beyond just a sympathy situation, and entered the realms of something potentially deeper.

Pity we never talked about it. We walked all the way back in silence. But I suppose there is plenty of time to figure it out. Or at least I hope there is...and that she wants to. I hope she wants to.

Please Merlin let her want to.

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May 27, 2004 • 6:55 am
subject: It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel less then fine
mood: bitter

I thought when Jamie died, that there could never be a loss in my life that would ever hurt quite as much. There was nothing, for fifteen years, that could ever compare to that feeling I felt, when I found out my best, and oldest, mate was dead. Gone. Fallen at the hands of a murderer. Nothing could ever come close to that.

Is it surprising to anyone that I was wrong, and that yes, something finally happened that brought back that feeling of complete and total pain? Well, I have to say I’m not really surprised either, if I’m going to be honest with myself.

I don’t know what I expected, why I thought that he would wait for me, that he would pine away for however long it was going to take for me to come home. When I think about it, allow myself to linger on the idea, I’m not mad at him, for finding someone else to pour himself into, to just hold onto. I knew there was someone else, I had the idea the first few days I was back. Remus wouldn’t look at me, wouldn’t touch me, the tension so think I could have cut it with a knife and spread it over toast.

I just thought of this ‘love’, this other person, as a lifeline, someone to keep him afloat until I came back to him. Or a filler, someone to take my place until he could hold the real thing.

I never expected that person to be…Snivellus. Nor did I expect them to be…mated, leaving me no hope for another chance, no last standing stab at redemption. Everyone deserves their second chance, and the person I hate above all others robbed me of mine.

He said things to me that hurt me so badly the wounds might never heal. He said if he had the chance to do it again, he wouldn’t change a thing. So I told him what was on my mind. I’d rather that he be dead then to lie with the enemy. I think he took it out of context, because I didn’t mean that I want Remus to be dead just because I’m miserable. No, it’s quite the opposite. I want him to be happy, so happy, but not with Snape. Not with him.

I feel betrayed, by the only friend I had left in the world. My best friend, my former lover, is now sharing a bond, something he never shared with me and never will, with my greatest and oldest enemy.

If I never see him again, even though it breaks my heart, I will be too happy. I can’t stand to look at him anymore. It made me physically ill to see them there together. If I had had a wand in my hands, the outcome may have been less then favorable.

Hurt. That’s what I want to do to him, I want to make him hurt, and to feel as I feel. Yes, I left him, but death and betrayal are different. And to think that they acted as though I could have helped falling that day, that I could have prevented it and that I was thinking only of myself.

They both deserve to drown in their pain until they suffocate on it.

I will make it my personal duty, to make him hurt, to make him see, to justify my reasons for hating him and feeling so bitter. Because until he sees, he’ll never know, because he’s let that bastard blind him to the truth when it comes to me.

I left the house and went to the Three Broomsticks after I found out, just grabbed what I could and left as fast as I could. Hannah got me set up, helped me get settled. She’s becoming the only person I have, my only confidant, at least until I work up the nerve to see Harry, too finally approach him.

I know I said it before, but it’s more apparent now. There is something more to Hannah, something below the surface. Something that just sets her apart. We’ve become good friends since we first met, and I hope we remain as such, even after I settle back into my life.

The life that is going to be very different then the one I wanted.

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May 22, 2004 • 8:52 pm
mood: blank

It’s amazing, at least to me, how fast things, and people, seem to change. The world can so quickly turn upside down, and we may not even realize it, and even if we do, we don’t always see the new picture as a whole, but rather just bits and pieces, small things, that we only want to see.

There are a lot of things I don’t want to see, but I know if I ever want to get my life back on track, I have to. I know things are different, I can feel them, in fact, just heavy in the air. Changes have been made, many of them, and many more, especially for me, litter the horizon.

Three years. I was gone for three years, and I didn’t even know.

Three years, and they all moved on with their lives, while I was stuck there, just lingering in the in-between, not knowing that they were forging on, fighting a war, and making new lives that didn’t include me in them.

Remus is different, and it’s something more then just his physical appearance that’s changed, something deeper then the just the improved state of his robes.

I can see it in his eyes, or rather, I don’t see it in his eyes because he never seems to want to look at me, especially not if he knows I’m looking at him. So I have to bring the question out, I have to ask so I can start to put together things together. When, in those three years, did he stop loving me, and gave up hoping I’d come back?

If he’s changed so much, I can only imagine what Harry must be like. I want to see him, very badly, but I know that I should give myself time to adjust a bit more before I do. More for myself then for him, really, because I don’t know what I expect him to be. I spent so much time thinking of him as a lost fifteen year old boy, and now he’s so much more then that. He’s been through a war, he over thrown the Dark Lord and fulfilled the prophecy. I can only begin to imagine what that’s done to him.

But I digress.

I went into Hogsmeade last night, for a drink, for the first time in over fifteen years. I know that I said I’d lay low, stay inside the house and out of sight until we can decide a plan of action. Well, I’m quite frankly sick of being told what to do, and of being locked away. I spent the better part of my life in prison or in Grimmauld Place, and I think it’s high time I make some decisions for myself. So, I just simply went out, and no one was any the wiser.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that some things do, in fact, stay the same, as the Three Broomsticks hasn’t changed a bit. Last night turned out rather strange though, or at least as strange as something can seem after you’ve managed to pull yourself back to the land of the living after being stuck in purgatory at any rate. I met a girl there, the new waitress, named Hannah, and while it’s not strange at all to sometimes meet people in a place such as a pub, there was just something…different…about this one. I think it may have been that when she started to flirt with me, which she did, I actually started flirting back. It caught me off guard, but she was probably just hoping for a better tip.

Needless to say, I’ll be going back tomorrow.

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